I think I spend too much time in my head! Instead of doing.
This is a relatively new phenomenon for me and I think maybe it’s brought on by age.
In the past, once I made a decision to do something, it was forward at full steam. It would be exciting and thrilling and things would just seem to fall into place. There was no FEAR attached.
These days, I definitely don’t feel that way about the decisions I’ve made recently and the big one, going back to South Africa, although for an indeterminate time, feels scary and I am fearful. A whole new experience for me.
Why? The uncertainty surrounding this decision wouldn’t have bothered me in the past. Now I can feel it dragging at my heels. I’m trying to understand why, but coming up short on explanations.
Sometimes, when I listen to myself trying to explain how I feel, I sound like I am being negative about my whole situation. Yet I have so much good stuff going on.
My friends are all supportive and so many of them have said, “You have a place with me,” and “You can always come back.” I’m close by Ryan, (a bit of a hike to Cody). I have a cool place to be in San Diego. I have my car. I have the underwear site and my social security.
What’s not to be excited about? I’m going back to South Africa, a place just about everyone I talk to says is on their bucket list, and here I am, going to spend time, unlimited time, in a wonderful, beautiful country with family and a big group of soon-to-be friends-again women from high school.
I feel like I need to give myself a pep talk!
An AHA moment.
I just got back from walking Martin, a lovely Shepherd mix, and then I thought of Presley, the pup I took care of in Seattle. Martin looked so mournful when I left him and Presley was on anti-anxiety meds.
And it came to me that what I’m feeling must be what separation anxiety is. I will be leaving all my friends and family and don’t know when I will be back or when I will see them again.
It’s really a lot different from when I left Washington three years ago. There, I had been so isolated on the canal, with friends and family not easily accessible. These last couple of years, even though hectic and never being stationary for any length of time, have cemented friendships and strengthened bonds. And I don’t want to lose them.
I’ll just need to be really proactive about keeping in contact, which I know I haven’t been very consistent about.
The Last Two Weeks
Time is flying by but I’m checking things off the ToDo list. There are always details that pop up that need to be handled before a trip like this.
Doctor checkups and haircut (yep, no more long and wild hair), more sorting through stuff and making sure Ryan has copies of all my important paperwork! Trying to figure out how to have wheels in South Africa without buying a car immediately or renting.
And now, it’s barely a month until I am on the trek back to South Africa. It’s daunting as the first leg is 16 hours and I know that after 14 hours (having done the flight before) I start getting claustrophobic! Then I have a 14 hour layover where I can get a room and sleep and then another 12 before I get to Durban.
Once there, and seeing Mick’s smiling face at the airport, I will be fine!